4/6/25 Healing is a Lonely Business

I have this belief in the finite nature of things, at least of things I don’t enjoy, call it a coping mechanism. Like when I have a cold I somehow ignore that my body can produce more snot and all my energy is geared toward finding a way to expel as much phlegm as humanly possibly in as short a period of time as humanly possible, based on the erroneous belief that all I have to do to cure my cold is to remove this one symptom. In a similar vein, how have I not exhausted tears? My efforts at feeling my emotions, working through them, accepting grief, etc all fall short when I think “why am I wasting another year on you?” And just how can I still be this sad?

I felt lonely a bit this week. I hadn’t really felt lonely yet. Alone yes, but not lonely. I think maybe it’s a good thing? As thought some part of my energy and brainspace has been sufficiently freed up from self obsession and hurt to want company? And I guess if that happens enough, I’ll probably do something about it? But in the spirit of grief being annoyingly non linear, I think it may also bring it’s own sense of loss and tears. God, i’m just so tired of it.

And like, it was enough loneliness, for me to think “i just wanna go home”, but the reality is I don’t really know where that is these days. I’ve got friends and family in Portland, in Denver, family on the east coast or in Chile, a solid friend group in Seattle. I’m a bit scared of Portland, not like being in the same place as him, I don’t actually care much about that. But there’s too much habit there. It feels easier to me to change it all, to use this unrest to reshape that which I want to, and I think I worry that in Portland I would settle and harden too quickly. Mexico feels a bit like a self imposed exile and I can’t quite explain why it feels like the right move, but it does. That does not make it a comfortable move. Although whining about the degree of privilege I have to be able to do this and comparing this marvelous city and opportunity to exile feels a little much. I rather suspect what I meant anyways is “I just wanna go home to my house, my cat, my life” and that is simply gone. Someone told me I have to figure out how to make myself my home, and while that’s not going great yet, I have a pretty amazing crutch in Leo. The love and affection I have for this dog is probably unhealthy.

Coping mechanism #3. Walk up things. Plan to walk up other things. Started to really lean in on researching a Kilimanjaro climb next January. I think there’s something about encouraging physical strength that has been making me feel emotionally stronger? Hard enough outside to contain jelly inside? i don’t know.

New phrase in Spanish- a lo mejor. It basically means maybe, like if things works out. A lo mejor, este fin de semana, no tenga que trabajar. I have no idea if this is used outside of Mexico.

It’s Friday and I made a cake. Without a cake pan. And without a sifter and I made swiss buttercream without a thermometer or stand mixer. And I frosted a cake without an offset spatula. And I served it without a serving platter. And tried to make pretty chocolate decorations without a ziploc bag nor a piping bag. And I did it all in about 4 hours. It could be prettier. I feel very old school. Anyways, on the plus side I got to make passionfruit curd, cause you can pick up 8 of those friends for about $3 US and I made my first jelly roll! Gotta love cakes that bake in 15 minutes. I feel a fit of jelly rolls coming on. I’m gonna need an offset spatula.

I have a plan to make pasta. I’m gonna roast some poblanos and blend them with marscapone and stuff them in raviolis (maybe tortellinis?) then brown some corn and toss it with hoja santa & agave, and puree some tomatillos, a touch of cream and some white wine for a sauce. We shall see. It sounds good in my head. I’m working with very alien ingredients and it’s been a very long time since I really didn’t have a clear grasp on what something would/should taste like.

I got the Veruca Salt song “Loneliness is Worse” stuck in my head and then thought it was too deep a cut for a blog title. So then I googled ‘Songs about loneliness”. Which is an unnecessary wormhole. It’s always so strange to find solidarity in loneliness. I can’t tell if it’s insulting, like I want this feeling to be uniquely mine, or if it’s comforting to recognize that I’m treading common ground. Regardless, now I’m listening to Amigo the Devil who has a way of finding a wild sort of joy or humor at least in his depression and darkness. He’s got this line that’s sticking with me “living in the moment’s hard when everything I want is in the past”

Tacos of the week: Tizne Tacomotora
We have a bevy of sauces, leaning on the mild side, which is fine. A pork belly taco with pickled black radish and garlic confit, visually not terribly appearling, but extremely yummy. Barbacoa on flour tortilla. And they love Leo, 3 different servers emerged at various times to say hi and give pets.